Lessons of a Splintered Heart

Teenage boys aren't generally vulnerable, so when one of mine called to share that he'd broken up with his girlfriend of over a year, and request a walk on the beach, I told him I'd be right there.  Then I made two stops.

The first was to write a quick note to him.  The other was to buy him a book.  Books were my saviors in desperate times.  I hope he understands they can be his.  Parents, and friends, aren't always a guarantee to be there, or say the right things.

As we walked, I listened to my son, and for the first time realized he was no longer a boy.  He was the beginning of a Man.  He spoke of what he hoped to become, and how he planned to become it.  He spoke of the difficulty involved in making a personal decision that's guaranteed to hurt someone you care about.  He acknowledged Life is harder than it looks, and he exhibited the proper humility in the face of the admission.

We sat on a log, and my best friend walked toward us.  I moved to one side of my son so the man and I could have him between us.  I wanted my son to see how the world cradles those who admit they need to be held.  We talked and laughed and built some assurance that these things pass, and you survive.

Later that evening my son called again.  He asked if I would meet with his ex-girlfriend, and talk to her the same way I'd listened to him, because she was hurting, and alone.  I said yes, and as we talked I felt equally impressed by her maturity, and sense of being.  I handed her over to my son's mother to express our gratitude, and passed her the same note I'd passed my son:

Everything you're feeling is normal, and I must say (without any meanness), I advise you to get use to it.   Decisions like this, and the certainty of pain, are at the core of the real life you've begun living.  The decisions that leave us alone, and create pain in others, are the ones that tell us who we are.  They direct us toward the place we're meant to take in the world.

The most important thing you can do is immerse yourself in how you're feeling.   The worst is to ignore it.   The only person capable of consoling you, is you.   If you're sad, acknowledge what's been lost.   Mourn it.   If you're afraid,  identify what’s causing it, and learn how to embrace it.   If you're lonely, don't use the company of others to avoid it.   Instead, plan a night or two away, and bring it with you.   Eventually, you'll discover your light,  and the time you share with others will cease to be thought of as ‘casual’.  

Most important of all,  do not allow anger, or regret, or sadness, or doubt, to diminish the love you created, and shared.   Nothing that happens from today forward can discolor the gift you gave to one another.   The relationship you shared was integral to the development of both of you.   You helped her get closer to her infinite capacity to love, and she did the same for you.   Celebrate that.

Every relationship you’ll ever have will end.   Some will end by decision, some by death. The choice we have is between isolating ourselves from relationship to avoid pain, and in turn,  growth, or remaining willing to enter new ones to find out how deep the love within us, goes.

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The miracle of any breaking heart is in its transparency, and the lessons it contains aren't found in the advice that's offered about how to heal it.  They're in the courage to share it.  

My son, and the young woman he loved, asked me to enter as a salve.  They didn't realize there isn't one.  They didn't realize that the words I would offer them were the words I needed to find.  They didn't realize they would be the teachers.

Experience is less important than vulnerability where Love is concerned, and gratitude is the best perspective.  I learned that from both of them.