The Vision
I don’t know for certain that I'll die this year.
I don’t have a terminal illness, nor was I given a window of time left to live. All I have is a random forecast made by a 12 year-old boy.
I was the one who made the forecast. It was made when I was a 6th grader on the asphalt playground of Portola Elementary School. I was participating in a conversation with four classmates when it occurred. We were sharing predictions about the fate of the world, and where we believed we'd be as adults. I listened as my friends shared their notions about future selves. One was to become a lawyer, and spoke of the path he'd take to get there. One was going to be a businessman, and another an architect. The last, my best friend, was going to be an engineer, like his father.
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When it was my turn, I paused. I had never thought of my future before, nor had my parents. I didn't have a scripted, well considered answer like my friends did. But I remember what I said, exactly. This is what came out when I spoke, and it came out like absolute truth:
"I don't see myself holding any specific job for more than two, or three years, and the jobs I'll have won't pay me a lot of money, or provide much stability, or make me well known. Instead, they’ll provide experiences I'll need for one specific thing I'll need to do. But I don’t know what that thing is. I’ll do this thing around age 52, and whatever it is, and whoever it's for, it helps. After that, I don't see a thing. I don't see a future after that. I don't see my life. I think after I do that one thing, I die. "
"I don't see myself holding any specific job for more than two, or three years, and the jobs I'll have won't pay me a lot of money, or provide much stability, or make me well known. Instead, they’ll provide experiences I'll need for one specific thing I'll need to do. But I don’t know what that thing is. I’ll do this thing around age 52, and whatever it is, and whoever it's for, it helps. After that, I don't see a thing. I don't see a future after that. I don't see my life. I think after I do that one thing, I die. "
When I was done it was met by the usual "Yeah, I can see that," or "That's cool." I think, then, we moved on to kickball.
Coming True
I remember listening to the predictions of my friends and being impressed by the planning they'd done. Genuinely impressed. And a little fearful. I remember going home, and trying to find an alternative future for myself, and failing. I remember wondering why no one was preparing me to be an adult. I remember how what I said came out automatically, and with certainty. I've never forgotten it. I felt like my future was planned for me. I remember agreeing to it .
I've reflected on that conversation a few times as an adult, but never actually examined it until now. I’m entering my 52nd year, and despite my efforts, and aspirations, my life has followed the prediction I made as a sixth grader. Every path I planned myself has been blocked or remained out of reach. I've moved from occupation to occupation because of the experiences they provided. I never wanted, or cared, about titles, money, or status.
The plans I made were consistently usurped by some necessity of life. It happens so often I wonder if coincidences are ever truly, coincidences.
I'm going to live my next year, my fifty-second, like it's my last.
I'll either meet a transformation or die.
Both are acceptable to me.
I'm going to live my next year, my fifty-second, like it's my last.
I'll either meet a transformation or die.
Both are acceptable to me.
Shape of the Path
As a married man the only occupation I had was being a Stay-At-Home Dad. That choice, like every important decision in my life, wasn't one I planned, or prepared myself to make. It came from necessity. Every time necessity has appeared in my life, something personal has vanished. Maybe that's how it is for everyone. I don't know.
Every time something vanished a hint about my 'purpose' has appeared. I can't be certain, but I think Life took over every time I made a wrong turn. I think Life does that a lot, and we don't listen. Or I don't.
Following my divorce eight years ago, I entered Teaching. After seven steady years of teaching either English, or special education, I’m unemployed. Yet another series of unanticipated, 'coincidental' events brought me to this crossroads. This one may turn out to be fatal.
For the first time since I was twenty, I don’t have a job. I own very few material possessions.
I'm not interested in status, or social standing. I like solitude, and prefer unplanned thought to required attentiveness. I'd rather love than be loved.
And I’m broke. Completely.Still, I feel as if I'm exactly where I need to be. Not where I want to be, where I need to be.
Trust me, I don't want to be here.
I feel as if all the big lessons I can learn, have been learned. I've had a lot come my way without a lot of time between. The only one I can think of, that's left, is the lesson I'm
most curious to learn: how to die.
I’ll be 52 next year, and because of a pink-slip, I have an uncertain future. Or none, at all.
Acceptable Terms
The persona I wear is demanding, and outdated. I want to shed it like a snake sheds its skin. I guess I need to do it, or die. It must be one or the other because I accept both. I've learned that if I agree to enter what appears, I come out better, no matter how unpleasant, or scary it is.
I know entering guarantees something integral to my Identity will be lost. I know I’ll change. Yet, no matter how terrifying those entries have been, who I am upon exit, is worth it. In fact, in addition to becoming a Dad, the insights that accompany these passages inform me best about who I am- Who I really am.
They clarify the currents that shaped my journey.
They tell me what I am, so no outside judgment, or opinion, can.
They clarify the currents that shaped my journey.
They tell me what I am, so no outside judgment, or opinion, can.
When the insights download, and illuminate my role in the lives of those who make up my jury, and theirs in mine, I'm convinced of at least two things:
- My life had purpose beyond the one I sought.
- And psychological pain is the measuring stick used to determine our capacity to be Human.
Why My Vision Is O.K
- We love what we love deeply, because we’re aware that in losing it, we'll lose part of ourselves. That’s a messed up equation. And a beautiful one.
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- We earn our wings when we love something more than we love ourselves.
- When we say yes to loving something absolutely, and vulnerably, When we say yes to loving without condition, We agree to the absolute certainty of losing part of ourselves.
From that day on, each day you wake, you'll wake with an instant of horror.
You’ll wake with a flash of insecurity about the lack of rhyme, or reason, in the world.
You'll wake each morning with the same question:
You'll wake each morning with the same question:
Is today the day the world collects what I owe?
Is today the day I lose part of who I am?
Real Contribution
If you face that with courage the blink of time that was your life gets placed upon all those made by humankind before you.
Your courage is laid upon the rising pile of what others left.
It becomes the footing for a distant generation.
It confirms that there will be one.
The shape of the path that shapes us is unknown until we reach the end.
The closer I get to the end of mine, the more gratitude I feel for the shape it took.
The shape it took was carved out by the people in it.
I appreciate them most of all.
Sing Along With Dying...
Tim McGraw "If I Die Today"
Five For Fighting "100 Years"
- Silly Fun Facts for #52
*Some Coincidental Nonsense on Numerology: Meanings of #52
Fifty-two wasn't a random number I yanked from the sky. It was dictated. It has no personal significance. When it appeared it was matter-of-fact. My 12 year-old friends were stating their expected futures, and it appeared as the limit to mine. The claim I made matched theirs in certitude. I didn't plan my future because I wouldn't have one. I'd have more of a 'middle'. I entered the world like a Gypsy, simply wanting to walk through it. Even as a child, a stable existence seemed unrealistic. I was unable to define myself by one role, or accomplishment. I never saw myself as a member of any community. It wasn't a lack of interest in becoming something, or the rejection of conformity. It was simple acceptance. My purpose was to accept all circumstances that presented themselves, no matter what. The simple and difficult alike. The comforting and the terrifying. All of them. My path was layed outside a job title, and I knew that when I was a boy. I think that's why I've always gravitated to writing. I wasn't bothered by the prospect of a short life at 12, and I'm not bothered by it now. In fact, it's almost welcome.
52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52*52
On a whim, I looked up some of the 'meanings' of the number 52. I opened 5 of the suggestions Google provided. I didn't look through dozens to find what I wanted. I chose 5, randomly. I don't know if it means anything at all. Here they are:
1) The ancient Mexicans divided the time in periods of 52 years, waiting the end of the world to the term of each of them. It is the number of the Aztec century, 13 x 4, called the small cycle. We find it in the ligature of the years for the duration of the suns, in particular the first and the fourth sun, which have a duration of 676 years, are considered as being the most perfect since they contain only the two numbers 13 and 52 whose product gives 676.
2) ANGEL NUMBER 52 Number 52 is comprised of the energies and vibrations of number 5 and number 2. Number 5 carries the qualities of personal freedom, curiosity and courage, motivation and progress, adaptability and versatility, new opportunities, making positive life choices, life lessons learned through experience and important life changes. Number 2 relates to the attributes of duality, balance and harmony, co-operation and partnerships, adaptability, selflessness and devotion, service and duty and your Divine life purpose and soul mission. This combination makes number 52 a number of personal expression, optimism, companionship and activity. Angel Number 52 tells you that important life changes may come about sooner than expected and in unexpected and miraculous ways. Your angels ask that you be open and receptive to your intuitive thoughts and feelings and take positive action as guided. The repeating Angel Number 52 is a message to have faith and trust in yourself and the decisions and choices you have made in regards to current life changes. Trust that these changes will bring auspicious circumstances and new opportunities to enhance and enrich your life. These changes will also bring you into perfect alignment with your Divine life purpose and soul mission. Angel Number 52 is a message that the changes occurring will bring about improvements and positive opportunities that will benefit your life on all levels. It is a reminder from your angels to have faith and trust in yourself, your choices and who you are within. Go with the flow of the changes in your life.
3) I will declare the decree: the LORD hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee. The Number 52: Son, Messiah, Word and Light.
4) (25) It is spiritual leadership. It likes group endeavors. It can be too serious. It has great difficulty sharing feelings. (52) It is more sensitive, intuitive, and creative.
5) 52 / 7
earthquake and rebuilding, struggle within the self, destruction and rebuilding, perfection, silence, independence, intuitive, needs time alone, is introspective and a non-conformist.
2) ANGEL NUMBER 52 Number 52 is comprised of the energies and vibrations of number 5 and number 2. Number 5 carries the qualities of personal freedom, curiosity and courage, motivation and progress, adaptability and versatility, new opportunities, making positive life choices, life lessons learned through experience and important life changes. Number 2 relates to the attributes of duality, balance and harmony, co-operation and partnerships, adaptability, selflessness and devotion, service and duty and your Divine life purpose and soul mission. This combination makes number 52 a number of personal expression, optimism, companionship and activity. Angel Number 52 tells you that important life changes may come about sooner than expected and in unexpected and miraculous ways. Your angels ask that you be open and receptive to your intuitive thoughts and feelings and take positive action as guided. The repeating Angel Number 52 is a message to have faith and trust in yourself and the decisions and choices you have made in regards to current life changes. Trust that these changes will bring auspicious circumstances and new opportunities to enhance and enrich your life. These changes will also bring you into perfect alignment with your Divine life purpose and soul mission. Angel Number 52 is a message that the changes occurring will bring about improvements and positive opportunities that will benefit your life on all levels. It is a reminder from your angels to have faith and trust in yourself, your choices and who you are within. Go with the flow of the changes in your life.
3) I will declare the decree: the LORD hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee. The Number 52: Son, Messiah, Word and Light.
4) (25) It is spiritual leadership. It likes group endeavors. It can be too serious. It has great difficulty sharing feelings. (52) It is more sensitive, intuitive, and creative.
5) 52 / 7
earthquake and rebuilding, struggle within the self, destruction and rebuilding, perfection, silence, independence, intuitive, needs time alone, is introspective and a non-conformist.
