The Abandonmenterist

 

*My brother Kevin reached out to me in 2026 expressing a desire to reconnect before we both 'turned to dust'.  I said what I've always said.  I said great and the only condition I had was that he hear my side of the story, and he agreed.  After hearing part of it he did what he's always done. He said I was "full of the same old crap."  Maybe, I said, and then I suggested a way to find out.  I suggested we do joint therapy with an objective third party.  He said I abandoned him and not the other way around.  He ignored my suggestion for counseling together and communication stopped.  The email he sent about reconnecting was the first communication I've had with him in 20 years.  Any effort I made in the past was ignored or denied so I stopped.  I sent the following email to him after being accused of abandoning him....

"Kevin,

Any serious effort toward repair and reconnection requires us to be honest with each other. We have to be blunt. If we aren't it is  unlikely we'll find healing.  It's not about who was right or wrong or if there even is such a thing. It's not about proving a point or getting to say 'I told you so'. It's about the truth.

Whatever we consider to be true informs both our behavior and our perspective.  Oftentimes, however, there is a gap between what we consider to be true and what actually is true.  That's why I suggested we participate in joint therapy. I told you I'm all in as long as our initial discussions are facilitated by a qualified, objective mental health professional.  And I can only assume that's why I haven't heard back from you. So, to be clear, I did not abandon you. You abandoned me. 

You have always been welcome to reach out to me if you need something. You've always been welcome to call or visit, and you're still a member of the Family I've been excluded from. You still have the blessings that accompany your standing with them.

I, on the other hand, have not been welcomed to reach out and no one has reached out to me. I haven't seen any outward display of support for over twenty years. And I wasn't abandoned by a few individual family members, and not by a number of others. That's not an accident. That's how Family Abandonment works. 

I was abandoned by the entire group, the one you're still a part of, all at once. And I was shunned because that's what you agreed I'd be at one of your 'family meetings'.  You all agreed the best way to punish me or to get me to crawl back was to insure I had no place to go.  That's why you included my friends in what you decided. That's what abandonment looks like. 

We have to be able to call a spade a spade if reconnection stands a chance. You abandoned me, Kevin. You did and Susie did and Mike Mack did. So did Darren and Donna. And Mike Digiorgio. And Chris and Tina. And Kevin K. And Elizabeth. And so many others. And, apparently, so will the yet to be born offspring of the aforementioned. I won't be told of their arrival the same way you didn't tell me you have a son and a daughter. They'll be told about their dangerous drug addict sociopathic relative estranged ex Uncle Pat. They won't be encouraged or allowed to seek me out on their own if it interests them to do so. They won't be allowed to have an independent relationship with me or come to their own conclusions, like my sons were allowed to do. 

They'll be shown how to interact with, and treat me, if they're told about me at all. That's what abandonment looks like. It's not one guy turning his back on another after its clear the guy was aligned with the group excluding him. It's not one guy walking away from another after the guy aligned with his ex-wife without hearing both sides of the story. That's not abandonment. It's a disagreement or a difference of opinion. It's a conflict of world views, or maybe it's a contrast of values. But it is not abandonment. 

It's not abandonment if you've preserved everything else. That guy hasn't been intentionally and unanimously cast out alone in the world. He still has the support of other family members. He still has his friends. He has a place to go on holidays and vacations. He has a place to call home. I don't. And that was the objective. Family Abandonment is a group consciousness. It doesn't allow individual member to make their own decisions. That's how the family dynamic is kept in tact. It requires everyone do the same thing and follow the same guidelines. There's a big difference between the two. It's a bit concerning you don't see it, and feel you're the one who is ostracized and estranged. 

If you seriously want to reconnect and repair I'm willing to do the hard stuff it requires. I'm willing to participate in joint therapy with a therapist who understands the dynamics of an alcoholic family system and substance abuse. I'm sure we could do it on Zoom or whatever people use these days. I'm willing to do it if it's facilitated by someone qualified to know how to find the actual truth when presented with truths that are considered. 

He never responded or agreed to participate in counseling together.  He simply abandoned me again.