Whenever I'm alone my head floods with thoughts of everything I wish I'd said to, or heard from, the people who populated my life. Maybe that's why I like to be alone so often.
But I'm cautious about what I say.
And I'm no good at asking for what I want, or need.
I'm flawed in that I want to share my flaws with everyone, because my flaws are the most authentic parts of who I am.
They're fucking beautiful, man.
What are you willing to expose of you that's so shameful it can't be seen any other way but as resplendent?
Will you glow for me, for just a moment, if I need to prove to myself that I'm not alone?
I may appear to be full of myself, but the truth is I just want to see from you, what I expose of me.
I'm desperate for it.
Listen Up
I don't need to trust you to put my faith in you.
I'm naive that way.
I abide by one, simple premise. I always have. I believe that if you've got some years of life behind you, you've also got regrets. I believe the things you regret are the things that will get you known, if you are courageous enough to name them. I believe each one of us wants to be known.
If you're like me, it's what you ache for.
My deepest regret is the one that kept me unknown to everyone I ever met.
My deepest regret is that I didn't take the time to hold still, and get to know you.
My deepest regret is that I didn't have the courage to live my life the way I dreamed of living it.
I'd apologize if I thought it would matter, but it won't. I don't owe you anything.
I owe it to myself, and even though I've said it a thousand times, saying it a thousand times more won't be enough.
Nothing will ever be enough.
I have to live with that.
I lie to myself so I can.
I'd take back everything I've ever done to hurt anyone, if I could. But I can't. I'd take back everything I ever said that was untrue, or spiteful, or boastful if I could. But I'll have to live with it, instead. This isn't elementary school recess. I can't request a 'do over'. I can't call time-out the moment I recognize what I've already committed to doing, is done, and wrong. I can't change any of the things I regret having done. I can't retrieve the opportunities I had, but missed, to do what was right.
"Universe, are you there? I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I don't know how to be what you made me to be. I am so, so sorry....."
Can You Hear Me?
Ironic, that the most important things I've ever said, and the most truthful, were said on a blog that no one reads. Or maybe it's not ironic, at all.
The things I need to say, and the things I want to be known, aren't spoken to anyone, really. And they're spoken to everyone all at once. I don't say them for you. I say them for me.
I say them because my experience of living is the only proof I have that I actually did. It's the only way I
What I am most grateful for, is having the privilege of being a Father to the three souls you delivered. What that allowed me to learn, and to admit, and to witness is far too expansive for words, or a page. I always knew life was a miracle. I didn't know the depth of that miracle until I met my sons.
"Universe, are you listening? I just want you to know that I'm aware I owe so much more than what I was given. I know that I didn't deserve what you allowed me to have. I know that the depth of Love you allowed me to feel far exceeded what I was able to give. Universe, if you're listening, I Love you. Thank you so much. Thank you so, so much..."
If it seems odd to you that I say the things I say, and that I say them publicly, perhaps it won't seem so odd, after I've said this. There is a day coming where I leave my house, and never return. There is a day marked on the calendar that marks the end of all days, and I don't know which day it is. As much as I want to be known by you, I want to know myself even more. I only know myself through what I find the courage to admit. It's not all pretty.
But all of it is me.
I want to admit everything.
I want to admit my Life.
John Mayer- 'Say'
Pink- 'Are We All We Are?'
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