Disheartened Ain't Dead

Well, I am not dead.  Just kinda. Almost.

When the woman at the corner market, the one where you purchase your morning coffee and donut each day, remarks that you've had one of the hardest years she can remember, you must be close.

The same is true when your son's friends no longer greet you with 'hey', or 'hello', but with "How long until you've cleared fifty-two?" instead.

Especially when you just don't give a shit anymore.

If I'm not dying, the world is in the process of a premeditated attempt at killing me.

Catching up...

In October I was pulled from employment as a teacher because the good folks at CSUMB noticed that they had left two required courses out of the Intern Credential Program they'd written for me, and advised me along.  

They didn't notice the courses during the 14-month period I was in attendance, or during the exit interview where I was recommended for a preliminary credential, and checked-off as done with program requirements.  They noticed it over a year-and-a-half later, and 5-days before the deadline I'd been given to produce the credential I'd been recommended for.

On top of that, they blamed me for everything.  To quote the kind words of the Dean of the College of Education:

"The University has taken unprecedented measures to

alleviate some of your current hardships even though these hardships were ultimately caused by your mistakes.  The University...allowed you to enroll in your current courses without charge, and provided course materials for the first course, and a textbook for the second without a charge.  In addition, the University went to extraordinary efforts to secure a class enrollment in at least one course that was initially not available during the Spring 2015 semester."

I agree.  It sounds very kind, and unselfish, initially.  When you examine the truth, however, it's sickening.

May I?

The 'unprecedented measures' to 'alleviate' my hardships is a
phrase in reverse.  

• My hardships were a result of being removed from employment to address a mistake made by two senior faculty advisors.  No
  
  effort was made to keep me employed while addressing the courses, despite that being an option.
• "My mistakes" were comprised of believing I was actually recommended for a preliminary credential after having been told so, and trusting that the Program Coordinator who advised me all year new which courses were required, since she, and another faculty member wrote my program.
• I was 'allowed' to enroll in their courses because I no longer had an income due to their oversight, and had been instructed that the only place I was allowed to make the courses up was at CSUMB.  
• The course they 'added' was to cover their incorrect belief that both courses were offered in the Spring, until I pointed out they were not.  Oops.

I get run out of employment for a mistake I didn't make, and get punished, and blamed for it.
I settle into low grade, run-of-the-mill depression.

That's how the year begins.

It escalates into an unpleasant lawsuit filed primarily upon principle, and more letters blaming me for everything else.
Then a period of no work, followed by a few replies to an advertisement I ran to do landscaping, and my first client who stiffed me after I'd put in around 40 man hours on the initial clean-up, followed by, no work.

Letters from my old employer stating they over paid me and I owe them a couple thousand dollars, and no replies to my requests that I reclaim all the classroom materials I hand-crafted, but left in place, trying to reduce the impact of my sudden departure.

Then a possible staff infection on my forearm, but no health insurance, and a weeklong, low-grade fever with chills, and general lethargy resulting in the loss of a potential weeks worth of work.

That's followed with a two-week battle with the nice people at Netspend who have had $150 of my money on one of their gift cards I purchased a little over three months ago, but have never been able to access because they need a copy of this document, and that document, and another copy of this one.  Still don't have the money.

Avoid the mo' fo's, fo sho'.

I did have a really great day, and evening, with an old girlfriend I wish wasn't, and when it was over I called her to say so.  I got voicemail, and left a nice note, and never heard back from her, either.

That's it, I think. I believe that brings me into the moment.
How have you been?

Superman Isn't

I'm not much of a Father lately, or friend.  I'm not even me, really, last I checked.  It's hard to convince yourself to do right by the world when you don't see much right in it.  I'm still trying.  Just not as hard as I used to...

I'm not disheartened by circumstance.
I'm disheartened by people.

I'm disheartened by the people at CSUMB who never said they're sorry, or asked how I was.  I'm disheartened by the client who decides that their need for a clean yard, and a design to move toward is an entitlement, and my time, and ideas, are owed.  I'm disheartened by a multi-million dollar company that won't free the $150 I put on a debit card because the documents I provide don't meet the specifics they require, no matter how close.  I'm disheartened when I open up, and get shut down.  I'm disheartened by my inability to remain stoic, like Superman, cape snapping in the wind.

Disheartened, not dead.
Not yet, anyway.

Kelly Clarkson 'What Doesn't 

Kill You Makes You Stronger'

Kelly, again  'People Like Us'