Personally, I have restrictions around when, and how, I can see my sons because I broke the rule I was told to obey. The most proficient way to see them was to visit where they live, in the big house (I rent a studio), when they were home, and their mom wasn't. They're rarely all available at once, so it worked. I still scratch my head when I'm laced with consequences when no one ever accepted any when worse was done to me. But I don't make the rules, nor do I care to.
There is no girlfriend to fill space with, or pack of Bro's to shoot the shit with. No real family to go to for comfort, or support.
Yet I feel an equilibrium, somehow.
Calm.
I know part of the reason for that is that I'm coming clean. I'm not coming clean with others, I've done that one already, I'm coming clean with myself. I'm coming clean about what I owe the space that created me, and stewards my growth. I'm coming clean because I have nothing left.
I'm doing the things I feel directed toward, and ignoring the others. I'm responding to the tightening in my gut that accompanies me when my life is nothing but "should's". I'm responding to the calm I feel when I'm in that place, and the way it disappears when I'm in any of those. I'm trusting a feeling that's been unchanged since I was a child.
I'm doing what I feel, intuitively, I'm meant to, or supposed to, if there's a difference. The concerns and panic I had about losing my footing in the world, have for now at least, diminished. It doesn't matter anyway, since I haven't been trying to find one.
I'm saying the things I never wanted to say, and sharing stories I was embarrassed to have lived. I'm allowing the space between myself, and others, to widen at it's own speed, and to it's own distance. I'm allowing it, because what else is there? I don't fight things anymore. I tried, but I can't.
I'm being taught how to accept the world as it happens.
Or I'm showing the world I can.
The lesson's the same, so whatever.
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I'm finding out who I am. Who I really am.
Not because I'm out there searching. This time I'm being shown.
I don't belong here.
This is not my tribe.
This is not my home.
Home Less
Perhaps the calm I feel is the one that comes before a storm, the kind that rises without warning, and levels everything. The kind that people name. If it is, I hope they name the storm after me, and I hope I'm in its path when it meets the coastline.
I hope that storm sucks me up, and drops me on a distant mountain, in a distant life. A mountain guarded by pine, and fir trees, and the smell of starting over, or starting for real.
A mountain with a turquoise river that flows with force enough to remind the rocks lined up beside her, that even stone can be transformed
A mountain high enough to discourage hoards of people, with enough wild in it to weed out those who came to 'Tweet', or take a picture, so everyone would know they are here.
A mountain with a cabin on top, assembled out of logs, and stone, and glass. And a table, and two chairs inside, in case the prophet arrives.
A mountain where the air's too thin to talk out both sides of your mouth. A mountain too steep to bring the weight of the gossip you feed on. And too high for what you've heard, but never bothered to see for yourself.
I'd like one of me as a small boy with my small friends. We could be playing somewhere, or riding our bikes, or just watching TV together. No matter what we are doing, be sure we're laughing.
And, if it's not asking too much, I'd like two more.
I'd like one where I'm doing something I like, and that I'm good at. I want to be doing it in front of a crowd. I want to get to the moment where I'll either shine, or fade, and I want to look up and see my family. I want to have a feeling rush over me that wraps me in ' Don't care!': 'I don't care if I blow it, or succeed, because I know they don't either. I'd like to know how it feels to never be afraid of someone leaving, if I can.
I hope that storm sucks me up, and drops me on a distant mountain, in a distant life. A mountain guarded by pine, and fir trees, and the smell of starting over, or starting for real.
A mountain with a turquoise river that flows with force enough to remind the rocks lined up beside her, that even stone can be transformed
A mountain high enough to discourage hoards of people, with enough wild in it to weed out those who came to 'Tweet', or take a picture, so everyone would know they are here.
A mountain with a cabin on top, assembled out of logs, and stone, and glass. And a table, and two chairs inside, in case the prophet arrives.
A mountain where the air's too thin to talk out both sides of your mouth. A mountain too steep to bring the weight of the gossip you feed on. And too high for what you've heard, but never bothered to see for yourself.
Delete All
I hope the storm that is assigned my name erases me from everyone's memory, and replaces my own with a few that are happy. I'd like one where there are people around who cared, and who guard me the way I do them. Maybe even a few who loved me, if that's alright.I'd like one of me as a small boy with my small friends. We could be playing somewhere, or riding our bikes, or just watching TV together. No matter what we are doing, be sure we're laughing.
And, if it's not asking too much, I'd like two more.
I'd like one where I'm doing something I like, and that I'm good at. I want to be doing it in front of a crowd. I want to get to the moment where I'll either shine, or fade, and I want to look up and see my family. I want to have a feeling rush over me that wraps me in ' Don't care!': 'I don't care if I blow it, or succeed, because I know they don't either. I'd like to know how it feels to never be afraid of someone leaving, if I can.
And I'd like to spend a day with my Dad, like the days I spend with my sons. And I want to spend it without fear that it could be restricted, or taken away, just because someone is mad.
