Well, for starters, I'm an idealist. I don't know when I became one, or why I still am, but there it is. I believe the best is possible, and that there's goodness in all of us. Even in the worst among us, like me. Maybe that's why I want to 'be authentic'. I need to prove to myself I'm something different than what I am.
And there's that voice I hear, the one I've heard all my life but have never identified. The one that won't let me rest, like some relentless 5 year-old: "Put others before yourself. Help people. Do your penance. Put others before yourself. Help people. Do your penance". Shut the fuck up, already. I just want to be happy. Is there something wrong with wanting to be happy?
I keep telling myself if I can be real for just one moment I'll be happy, really happy, and I hate to say it, but I'm starting to wonder if I want to be. Or if I can be, because I'm not sure anymore. I'm incapable of small talk, and platitudes, and other tools of happiness. So what now? Why the fuck am I here if I'm barred from knowing what it means to be content? How much kindness am I to show others before some is shown to me?
To hell with everyone else. What do I want?
I've had people show up for me on occasion, but they never asked what I need. They told me. Sure I can talk to them, as long as I don't demean someone who's publicly demeaning me, and as long as I admit my truth isn't the right truth They brought their spoons full of remedies and said, "It's the medicine you've been prescribed, and you'll take it". When I refused, they vanished. What kind of messed up equation is that? Mother Theresa, and the Una-Bomber, make so much sense right now.
Unless I were to leave. Just get gone, and be. Now, that would be authentic.
Maybe what I'm looking for isn't here. Maybe the only connection I can have with people is from afar, under a pseudo-name. Maybe this overhaul will be more painful than I anticipated.
