All the writing I've been doing lately, and my life circumstance, have me wondering if there's meaning in anything. It's no secret that I'm disenfranchised from the mainstream human people, or that I've been living in my head. As deeply as my writing has allowed me to cut into, and through, long held personal beliefs, it's also building a wall. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything anymore.
A lot of what I've written about wasn't intended. I didn't know I'd expose my family's dysfunction the way I have. I didn't realize the depth, or intensity, of the anger I hold for my sister, and ex for their ruthless and calculated efforts to strip my dignity like I was meaningless. I didn't understand that when you enter yourself in an effort to uncover yourself, you may not return. The core of who I am has incurred a tectonic shift, and everything I thought I knew is unknown again.
The crossroad I find myself at is dire. I'm entering a defining period, one that will determine whether my lilt is corrected, or if I go down. And I'm alarmed at how little I care about either. Talking with a friend the other day I commented that the larger part of me hopes my fifty-second year is my last.
New Skin
Writing is cool, and it matters, and it's an avenue into yourself, but it's not enough. Introspection is only a means of clarifying. If it's not followed by action it's just high end masturbation. It's like hiding in your bedroom until you squeak one out, and blow an emphatic gasp as you take an exhilarating peek at yourself outside your body, in tremors and spasms, only to realize no one in the universe saw, but you. Ejaculations must be assisted, and witnessed. The same holds true for thought. If you cant't envision a way to embody your intentions, and put your ideas in play, then why bother thinking? It's not enough to define the world. You have to shape it.
For now, I'll abide by the urges of nature and find a rock to slide up against,
and peel off my old skin. I'll do
it because I'm supposed to. But I won't be unafraid while I do it. I won't be confident about what happens next. I have no clue, in that regard. I'm tumbling between a naive optimism about my future, and a cold logic. I'm well aware that whatever happens it's going down in public, and it will be hard to watch. Disfigurement is part of both equations.
I need to squeak one out again.
I'm gonna find out if I have one more reversal in me, or if age, and experience, get the final word. At my juncture, the longer I'm out of work the less likely it is I'll ever go back, 'statistically'. If that turns out to be true my fifty-second year will definitely be a dying year. It will be the end of the faint hope that still lives in me. If I get there, I'm gone. I'm jumping boxcars, and never speaking to anyone again.
No Pain, No Gain, Dude
One reason I'm on shaky ground is my neglect of suffering's purpose. I need to remind myself that I'm a student. I went to the doctrine of suffering, and gathered these reminders:
1. We suffer as a testimony, as a witness.
2. We suffer to develop our capacity, and sympathy, in comforting others.
3. We suffer because it is a training tool.
4. We suffer to bring about continued dependence on the grace and power of God.
5. We suffer to manifest the life and character of Christ.
6. We suffer to manifest the evil nature of evil men and the righteousness of the justice of God when it falls in judgment.
7. We suffer to broaden our ministries.
8. We suffer for chicks (OK, I made that up).
Why am I including these?
- Because I'm kinda Holy, and stuff? No.
- Because I'm Patrick J. Christ? No.
- Because I'm a Saint? Uh, No.
- Because it sounds more smarter than if I don't? No again.
- Because I'm a VICTIM?! Nope.
- Because I'm friggin' tough? No, no no.
- Because I'm a Priest? Really?
They're included to remind me that no matter what happens- success, failure, fame, embarrassment, good hair day, bad hair day- the way we approach our suffering is what matters. It provides an opportunity to teach. It strengthen our faith in the Holy. And it tells the truth about who we are. It's not winning the Lotto, but it's pretty cool.
They're included as a reminder that no matter how much you think you've done, one dude did more. Squeak one out, and move on.
I need to identify the institutions, organizations, and places that will allow me to do my work best. If they're not available, I need to create them. No contract, or a credential, is necessary to be of assistance. Just a cape, a mask, and a purpose.
I dug deeply to arrive at some of the insights that explain myself to me. I dug through stuff so yuckky you need an extra 'k' in yucky. It wasn't always fun, or exciting for that matter. Because of that it deserves a place in the world, and a venue. That's where I am now. I need to create the place that will hold me.
